By: Joel Golby
Emoji are these special kind of pictures that your mum only figured out how to turn on with her phone about six months ago. You know the ones: “Are you coming over for dinner? [ONE THOUSAND PARTY POPPER GOING OFF EMOJI IN A ROW]????” Or: “When are you back? [CLOCK FACE EMOJI] [CLOCK FACE EMOJI] [FURIOUS FACE EMOJI] [SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT CLOCK FACE EMOJI]” But emoji can be used outside of mums: when you are flirting, for instance. Only, when we create a language that relies so heavily on the crying laughing face emoji, we leave it open to interpretation. That’s where I come in, the soothsayer, the emoji lingua franca arbiter. What I say goes when it comes to emoji. And here’s what I say.
What you think it means: “Would you like to come over for some lovely aubergine?”
What it actually means: Sadly, everyone, the aubergine means ‘dick’. It means ‘a dick’. It means ‘an unrealistically proportioned, purple, dick’. Do not be fooled into thinking anyone sexting you the aubergine emoji is offering you around for some delicious moussaka, or baba ganoush. They want to – and are probably going to, the way this conversation is going – offer you dick.
The Cry-Laugh Emoji
What you think it means: “I am crying out of my face. With laughter. I am laughing so hard my eyes are leaking. Tears.”
What is actually means: Nobody cries when they laugh unless their wiring is wrong (I don’t know… tear duct-specific allergic reaction means they cry a lot now? Science experiment gone drastically wrong?) or they are ‘a bit Charles Manson’. You cry at a joke maybe one, two times a year. I once laughed until I cried when a man fell over on a puddle of ice and split his trousers open. I still think of that, eight years later. You don’t laugh until you cry at a .gif of Gemma Collins in the Celebrity Big Brother house. The person sending you this emoji is not amused.
Unless… unless they are trying to win you over. Picture it like this: you make a joke. They find it amusing enough to say “heh”. They send the cry-laugh emoji instead. And you think you’re really funny. They are trying to get you on the good side. Know that the cry-laugh emoji means multitudes. But know also it is always – always – a lie.
Red Heart Emoji
What you think it means: “I love you”
What it actually means: “I have mildly positive feelings towards this thing”. Red heart emoji is the emoji trap: you think it is a love heart, and comes with all the accompanying feelings and weighty emotions, but is actually just what you say when your housemate texts you ‘I took your laundry out to dry’ or your auntie says ‘did you like that book voucher I got you for Christmas?’ The real love emoji is the two pink hearts, one big, one small. That’s when you know it’s real. Anyone tries to fob you off with the red heart emoji and you should, frankly, block their number.
The Horny Devil Emoji
What you think it means: “I am horny”
What it actually means: This person is dangerously, life-threateningly horny. This person is so horny words won’t do it justice. They cannot think straight. They close their eyes and just see wet mouths enveloping nipples and smooth, bare legs rubbing together. And, through it all, glowing deep and horny: the purple devil emoji.
The Horny Devil Angry Emoji
What you think it means: “I am horny… but mad somehow?”
What it actually means: It means exactly that. They are horny, but… Amazon were meant to deliver a yoga mat today and it hasn’t turned up. They are horny, but… Hollyoaks didn’t record on the Sky box. Tread carefully with this one.
SERVANT OF JOURNALISM, FRIEND TO MY FRIENDS. Staff writer at VICE